"It is what it is!" I had been using that catch-all phrase a lot the last couple weeks as a way to describe my experience of living and working with a foot that each day I worked on my feet, moved from sore to downright painful. I kept throwing the words 'it is what it is' into the air around my life, first to describe my foot pain, then to describe how I was feeling about being in pain and suddenly I discovered, in a surprisingly short amount of time, 'it is what it is' became my attitude toward living.
On the surface, an attitude of "it is what it is," appears somewhat reasonable. "It is what it is" sounds as though I was accepting the reality of what I was experiencing as my living. However, the day I found myself leaving the store with tears 'leaking' from my eyes because the pain or 'discomfort' of being on my feet for eight hours was no longer simply in my foot but had taken over my body I 'woke up' and realized that "it is what it is" was actually a form of denial rather than acceptance.
Not only had I been denying the reality that there was something truly wrong with the foot, but I was also denying that my experiences of living with the foot pain had woven itself through my being and I no longer lived my day as intentionally as before the pain began. "It is what it is" had become a way of removing "me" from the pain I was experiencing but since the pain became a daily experience, I inadvertently also began to remove "me" from my experiences of living: Unconsciously I assumed an attitude of being passively powerless.
Passive powerlessness is an old, old - very old - survival behavior I learned as a child where an acceptance of my powerlessness for controlling what I desired by becoming a compliant 'observer' worked quite well. I became quite adept at minimizing experience by simply observing rather than actively 'engaging' or participating in what was happening. Throwing the words 'it is what it is' into the Universe as my expression of living, I realized is simply an adult version of childhood powerlessness. Ironically my awareness of what I was doing came to a head during the journey to Epiphany.
Epiphany, as I've said in previous blogs is my personal favorite feast of the Christian Liturgical calendar. Epiphany is for me, both Christmas and New Years wrapped in the beautiful package of a feast celebrating "naming": the Magi arrived and 'named' what had occurred in the stable in Bethlehem. For years - possibly decades - I have used the time around Epiphany to 'name' my experiences of the previous year and in the naming, discover my learnings and then use these awareness to begin a new year.
Learning makes me very happy and so a season - the season of Epiphany - devoted to awareness of learning is a happiness. My expectation, that is what I anticipate will occur, at Epiphany is similar to a child looking forward to Christmas: I know that goodness is on the horizon. Most years that is.
This year however, as Epiphany approached I was busy denying what I had been experiencing: my sense of powerlessness, my reverting to old survival attitudes, the exhaustion that was mental and emotional as well as physical from dragging myself around in pain, was all summed up in my catch-all phrase it is what it is. And then, to add insult to injury, the previous week, Arizona had a deep cold snap which made sitting on the patio before dawn miserable and so I had not been doing my meditation time in the way that was familiar. Not good.
Ah, but I discovered, Goodness is always available if we are just willing to be open. My personal ritual of willingness is the discipline or practice of my early morning time and the cold snap snapped and I was back out on my patio looking at the light of stars shining through the dark sky. "Thank you for providing light even in darkness." My words of opening myself to the Source of All sprang from me and I felt myself loosen and I as I loosened the armor around my heart (we armor ourselves against pain) and in the small opening of the loosening, my heart heard: and so what is this "it" of it is was it is?"
What is the 'it?' The 'it' is what I engage as my experience of living. " move back into your experience Mary: name it. You are no longer a child: as an adult you have the power to 'name' what you are experiencing in life. You also have the power to look at what has been 'named' and make choice. You also have the power to act on choice responsibly. Stop being a fearful child!"
I heard those words in the early morning of Epiphany .Later that evening as I sat in the quiet of my living room 'naming' the wholeness of my current state of living with an injured and painful foot and the ways of denial I had used, I had a little epiphany. The word 'epiphany' is defined in the dictionary as profound insight. Profound means containing truth and I realized that by 'naming' what was happening on the 'inside' of my foot experience, I was finally telling myself 'the truth' of where I am right now. And it was this truth of my experience of living right now that I offered as my gift 'to the child'.
"Treat yourself with kindness." That was what I heard last evening as I sat having finally 'named' the truth of feeling powerless and wrong and as though I had failed. Be kind to yourself. Kindness is a form of gentleness and therefore is without judgement. I realized I needed to let go of the judgmental feelings I had assumed toward my experience of living - that 'judging' myself was simply another way of denying or avoiding what I was experiencing. Another leftover old defense mechanism of powerlessness because when I 'judge' I lock myself into guilt. Naming what "is" however, creates discernment for making choices.
Once I was willing to name and then willing to offer what I had named as the truth of what is, I became open to receiving the gift of gentle kindness which is the energy of the Source of All love and goodness. Yes, my feast of the Epiphany had a rough beginning but oh, what a nice ending: a new learning of the gift of naming - a new way to begin my New Year.
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